I had it all planned out… a low-key Thanksgiving, just me and the littles… and Grampa & Gramma… my folks.
I’d prep the brine for the turkey on Sunday, put the bird in it Tuesday am, flip the bird Wednesday am, make the pie Wednesday Evening & just do the simple stuffing and homemade cranberry sauce (my specialty) on Thursday morning…
Wednesday was ROUGH. I’d been overdraft in my bank account for days… I don’t have credit cards.. So that’s it, I’m broke. I used up what was left in my lawn mower gas-can… and begged my father to loan me $10… (he gave me $20, which is awesome).
I knew I had a deposit COMING..but the exact date was elusive.
I had to scrounge for change to pay the Air Pump at the gas station, because my right rear tire has a slow leak.. I also know I need 4 new all season tires (mine are bald, like SMOOOTHH….not awesome) because it’s freezing here in the Pacific Northwest, foothills for the evergreen cascade mountains… and pretty soon, any day now, we will get a first snow… We always get one…
So I got off work, by this time had used up most of the gas in my tank… but I knew I had enough to pick up the twins after daycare, drive all the way into the boonies to pick up my 7yo from Grampas and get back home… and PRAYED that the deposit would show up at midnight…
By the time we got home we’d been commuting for over an hour, it was dinner-time… everyone was tired from a long long day of work, daycare and school. My 14 yo had only done HALF of the chores I laid out for him.. (of which there was only like 3 simple chores). BUT, I had held my $hit together in spite of money issues (which were my fault for poor planning anyways), and my stupid car needs, and all the frustrating customers that came in to work this week, and all the feels I had been ignoring, so all-in-all everything was FIINNEE… I got this.
Make some quick dinner. Get the kids watching a movie on the Ipad, make pie. Do bedtime. Boom, awesome. Super-mom 100%. Right?
I walk into my tiny farmhouse kitchen and see, my perfect overpriced, small 12 lb turkey from the Whole Foods… sitting in my warm wood stove heated home, in its brine ON THE COUNTER… where it had sat ALL DAY, after this morning carefully “flipping it” to evenly soak/brine it in the brine I had painstakingly made from Pioneerwoman.com.
I’d been holding it ALL TOGETHER. All day, all week, all month. Practicing my meditation, daily yoga, daily 30 minutes at the climbing gym… TRYING to fit in Self care. Getting kids to school, daycare, ordering my groceries online so I’d have time to do it ALL, trying to remember to read stories to the twins, to tell my 7 year old his daily “positivity” mantra, working, cleaning house, maintaining the car, laundry, dishes…. DOING IT ALL
As of this day, November 21st… I had been 20 days from the day I thankfully signed the final divorce papers. 20 days I had been officially Bethany Wright, ME, again.
20 days since I was “freed” from the chains that bound me.
20 days since I could breathe again.
20 days no longer in fear of what legal crap would come my way.
I was thankful.. I was finally safe… free… to raise my babies in peace, in calm, in hope & happiness.
But I was EXHAUSTED. I underestimated the toll the stress took on me and was FOOLISH to assume once the deed was done, that everything would just be BETTER…. done.
It’s like I was holding my breathe for so long… and once I let it out and tried to breath again… I forgot how to breath!
Thanksgiving was saved by my Facebook community Buy/Nothing Group, to which I shared my pathetic sob story & DOZENS of people offered up frozen turkey, to share their dinner, to buy us a new turkey and at last a lovely neighbor had a SPARE fresh turkey which I decided to pick up, dry brine overnight and it was LOVELY. I was and still am brought to tears by the generosity of my community… of the people like me, with BIG hearts.
Day after Thanksgiving, I came down with the flu and here I am the day after being sick all day, still weak, sore, throat achy.. But better. I’m exhausted and I am trying my best to let my body and soul take the time they need to heal… for my cells to die off and be replaced with NEW cells that have never been exposed to the heartbreak & disappointment of the past 6+ years… did you know every 7 years ALL your cells have been replaced? So in 3 years I will only carry half the cells which carried that pain and in 6+ years I will be COMPLETELY MADE NEW AGAIN.
Until then I will continue to wake up, train my body and mind to see the GOOD… and to BE the good in this world…
I am gonna TRY to make time for me, for my yoga practice, for my love of rock climbing & hiking. I am gonna do my BEST to give my kids all the love they need, they deserve. I am gonna try to always meet their needs with grace, with *presence* and maybe, just maybe, one day, I will look back on these days as the days that finally made me the woman I have always wanted to be..
NOT superwoman, but BETHANY, me, hopefully full of patience, grace, understanding, compassion, empathy & KINDNESS…even if I do screw up Thanksgiving every now and again.