I’ve sat many times, unable to get past the judgmental thoughts in my head-effectively blocking any story I attempt to write. SO here’s a summary of all I have failed to write, all prefacing the Spring Solstice of 2019:
Such a full year already.. full of so much.
Life & Death all wrapped up in a tiny little nugget which is life.
I’ve gone back to my first love and rekindled a healthy obsession with, sport rock climbing. I have been training at the gym on weekdays and sneaking off to play on outdoor rock whenever I can get a little moment away from being a responsible adult & from being mama. (I mean obvie’ I am still a responsible adult WHILE I am climbing, and I will always be my babies’es mama, but I get to take a me-break and JUST be ME.)
I’ve set goals to crush this year & have been daydreaming about what my best life, no filters, no hold-backs, looks like. I have been learning who I am, why I am, and who I am becoming. I’ve thought about maybe dating one day, about what I’d be doing it for, about what it can look like, and about what type of person I am attracted to… I’ve decided I am probably still not ready yet.
I’ve snuggled my babies thru transitions, flu-bugs & bedtime stories. I have thrown birthday parties & gone to a zillion and a half school meetings… I have paid bills, leased a new truck & dealt with freaky homeowner adventures (rats, dead chickens, electricity routing, graveling a driveway, firewood & more).
I’ve laid next to my delirious and dying mother as she recounted her life..as she said goodbye to her husband, to her children. As she soaked in her joys and her failures. I forgave her for so much as she did me. I cursed God for letting me get ripped off, for not giving me the time with her that could heal us. For leaving me a broken daughter with no-one to blame. I mourned. I am still mourning.
I’ve worked hard at a job I love.
I have begun to have a new & kinder friendship with my Dad… a surprising blessing in the midst of sadness & loss. I have a few family members I trust, for the first time.
I have made SO many mistakes it is embarrassing, I have loved fiercely & cried deep into my belly. I have LAUGHED until my cheeks burned. I have yelled at the haters. I’ve been still on the top of a mountain & looked out over the horizon..
It has been such a full year. I can’t say much about this storm, because I am in it. I love storms. I love the wind, the warm rain, the NOISE, the chaos… I love that my life feels like a spring storm in the pacific northwest, exciting, moody, celebratory, CLEANSING… and I can’t say much more than that… for if I say what I do not know, I am really just making a bunch of useless noise, aren’t I?
Until next I write again:
love, moody rain & ever so much more laughter,