My Best Life 2019, so far so goodish…

I’ve sat many times, unable to get past the judgmental thoughts in my head-effectively blocking any story I attempt to write. SO here’s a summary of all I have failed to write, all prefacing the Spring Solstice of 2019:

Such a full year already.. full of so much.

Life & Death all wrapped up in a tiny little nugget which is life.

I’ve gone back to my first love and rekindled a healthy obsession with, sport rock climbing. I have been training at the gym on weekdays and sneaking off to play on outdoor rock whenever I can get a little moment away from being a responsible adult & from being mama. (I mean obvie’ I am still a responsible adult WHILE I am climbing, and I will always be my babies’es mama, but I get to take a me-break and JUST be ME.)

I’ve set goals to crush this year & have been daydreaming about what my best life, no filters, no hold-backs, looks like. I have been learning who I am, why I am, and who I am becoming. I’ve thought about maybe dating one day, about what I’d be doing it for, about what it can look like, and about what type of person I am attracted to… I’ve decided I am probably still not ready yet.

I’ve snuggled my babies thru transitions, flu-bugs & bedtime stories. I have thrown birthday parties & gone to a zillion and a half school meetings… I have paid bills, leased a new truck & dealt with freaky homeowner adventures (rats, dead chickens, electricity routing, graveling a driveway, firewood & more).

I’ve laid next to my delirious and dying mother as she recounted her she said goodbye to her husband, to her children. As she soaked in her joys and her failures. I forgave her for so much as she did me. I cursed God for letting me get ripped off, for not giving me the time with her that could heal us. For leaving me a broken daughter with no-one to blame. I mourned. I am still mourning.

I’ve worked hard at a job I love.

I have begun to have a new & kinder friendship with my Dad… a surprising blessing in the midst of sadness & loss. I have a few family members I trust, for the first time.

I have made SO many mistakes it is embarrassing, I have loved fiercely & cried deep into my belly. I have LAUGHED until my cheeks burned. I have yelled at the haters. I’ve been still on the top of a mountain & looked out over the horizon..

It has been such a full year. I can’t say much about this storm, because I am in it. I love storms. I love the wind, the warm rain, the NOISE, the chaos… I love that my life feels like a spring storm in the pacific northwest, exciting, moody, celebratory, CLEANSING… and I can’t say much more than that… for if I say what I do not know, I am really just making a bunch of useless noise, aren’t I?

Until next I write again:

love, moody rain & ever so much more laughter,

xo, B


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