She was supposed to live long enough for us to finally understand each-other, long enough for all my kids to grow up & move away. She was supposed to be the Mom I always hoped she could be, but had never embraced.
My baby girl Helen misses her Gramma a lot. So do I. She wasn’t the best Mom. She didn’t often “see’” me..or notice my skills or talents, she was often critical of the wrong things and excited about the wrong things. I parented myself a lot starting as a young girl and young woman… and I was bad at it.. Making all the wrong choices, setting myself up for a difficult life from an early age.
But she DID love me. She didn’t often know how to love me in a way that I could understand, or feel. I have spent about 15+ years trying to “mother” myself so I can heal from what I didn’t get from her as a girl. But she did, I know that, despite it all.
I am not going to lie and say she was the best mother I could have ever wished for, and I sure as hell won’t say “if I am half the mother my mom was… I will be ok.”
She was MY mother. I only got to have one. And I know that she tried… she wasn’t given a lot of skills or tools in the emotions and love and empathy department, and I can only imagine how much advanced she was compared to the models SHE had…. She wanted to be better but didn’t know how, I know that now.
I guess you can say that I am coming to understand her now. She is gone, and even though I will never get the joy of having her understand ME… I am gaining the peace that comes with forgiving deeply.
And you know what is the biggest surprise of all?
The more I forgive, the deeper I can feel how much I loved my mother and how much I miss her today.
She never got to be the Mom I always needed, but in her death I am given the gift of freedom to continue mothering myself, to be mothered by my friends & find that I AM lovable, I AM worth adoring and I am totally a woman that others love & WANT to know. It feels amazing to surround myself with other women that get excited for all the “right” things, who “see” me.. For who I Actually am… and THIS freedom is the greatest gift of all.
She may not have been the best Mom, but she was mine & I will forever miss her.